HandiCapable

Of course, there’s always a bit of awkwardness when we meet new people… not really sure how to act, what’s appropriate, etc. Add to that the uncertainty if they would be ok cutting up your food, straightening your clothes, and driving your car, and it gets even weirder! And that’s just from my perspective.

I can imagine the people who meet me don’t know how to act - Should they ask why I am in a wheelchair? What is the socially acceptable label for disabled people? How handicapped am I? Should they offer to help? Should they let me pretend I have everything under control? Because people have these unspoken questions, things really get more awkward than they need to be.

So I would like to answer some questions… at least, these are my answers. Everyone is unique, and handicapped persons are no exception. I have a feeling most handicapped folks wouldn’t mind at all if you addressed the obvious, but there are certain ways to do that unoffensively. Here are some things NOT to ask:

• What is wrong with you? Oh my goodness, my instant come-back to that is, “Nothing, what’s wrong with you?”
• What happened? Besides that being a vague question (what happened today? yesterday? just now? etc.) Very often, people are in wheelchairs because of neuromuscular diseases, in which case the answer may be way more scientifically complicated than you really want to know (Well when I was conceived, gene #__ carried an extra level of calcium that…) If something actually “happened,” like an accident, it may not be something they want to discuss at that time.
• Are you sick? Unless the person is sneezing and coughing, and you’d like to offer them a tissue, this is also not appropriate. Even if the person has a disease, they may not see themselves as sick, and don’t want you to either.
• Did you get hurt? Questions like this make a person feel like you are trying to diagnose them by guessing their causes or symptoms. In doing so, you give the impression that handicapped people have to be labeled, and you aren’t really wanting to know the person so much as the disability.

What to say, then? Say what you mean: “Do you mind if I ask you why you are in a wheelchair?” Very polite and honest. Do not be afraid of the word “wheelchair.” It won’t bite. It actually offends me more when people call it “that thing.” And as far as using the correct label is concerned, just don’t use one. It’s too awkward and impersonal to bother with. When you first meet, just refer to the wheelchair - use phrases like “in a wheelchair,” or “with your wheelchair.” When you refer to a group of people as a whole, “handicapped” is fine. I don’t recommend “disabled,” because we work really hard to help you understand that we do have abilities. When you get really close, you’ll learn how far you can go in teasing and using “taboo” words like “crippled” or silly substitutes like “handicapable.” But don’t use these insider words until you really know a person intimately. Otherwise, you just look like a jerk with no social graces.   

A good follow-up question might be, “What kind of things do you like to do?” This is of course in place of more awkward questions like, “Can you do ___?” When you become a closer friend I will let you in on the more intimate details about the limits of my ability. In the mean time, you may be surprised at the things I can do when you give me an open question.

Some other things that aren’t ok to say:

• How fast does that thing go? I don’t know, and I don’t care, and I think if you really stopped to think about it, you wouldn’t care either.
• I wish I had one of those! As much as it makes my life easier, I think walking, running, dancing and jumping are much more desireable than being confined to a wheelchair.
• Can you do wheelies? Yes. And I did them a lot when I was 10 years old, but a 25 year-old really doesn’t waste her time with it any more.
• Don’t run me over! Oh my grief, I am a far superior navigator than most people who walk. If you get run over it is usually either because you anger me to the point of violence (which is rare), or because you were not looking where you were going. The most common collisions I have are when people back-peddle right into me.
• I know someone who’s disabled/handicapped/in a wheelchair. Really? I know someone who can walk. Amazing, the coincidence.

What to say instead? Well, what would you say to any person you meet on the sidewalk? It is really important that you realize a person is a person, no matter what. Make eye contact, look at who they are and not what they sit in, and value them as highly as anyone else. I hope these “dos” and “don’ts” have been helpful, and that you will remember them the next time you meet someone in a wheelchair.

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